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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and So Are Drugs and Threats of Internment! [Apr. 15th, 2011|11:21 pm]
Yvain: I think in Equestria depressed people are placed in re-education camps and injected with amphetamines until they perk up.

Alicorn: Maybe ponies are just congenitally cheerful. Besides, we know that malcontents are sent to the moon.

Yvain: Please, please don't send me into space! I promise I'll cover myself with sparkles and shout "Yay" at random intervals!

Alicorn: You must also profess a deep and abiding love of candy and streamers and bunnies! Or it's the happy drugs for you!


Alicorn: You know, if you were really on board with the program, you would find the trip to the moon an exciting adventure! Or at least you would let your five very best friends drag you along so you could learn an important lesson about conformity!

Yvain: Yay! The cold merciless vacuum of space! It's like a rainbow with only one color in it!

Alicorn: That's better :P

Disclaimer: I actually like MLP:FiM (although I have little idea why).
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raaaaaar [Mar. 29th, 2011|05:57 pm]
Last week a piece of paper appeared on our door telling us to do various preparatory activities to prepare for being bug-bombed, presumably because someone else in our building complained of bedbugs (we don't personally have any). So this morning we put our soft things in bags and put them all in the kitchen out of the way of the relevant furniture.

Pest control was onsite but never knocked on our door, and when Roomie called the office to ask what the meaning of this might be, we were told that their piece of paper said we had been visited and bugbombed, even though we were home all day and neither of these things happened.

Oh well. At least it means we got the front room picked up a bit.
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I <3 The Internet [Mar. 20th, 2011|10:36 pm]
If the Internet were a marriageable entity I would totally marry it.

It is clearly courting me. It would not produce such wonderful things and present them to me with such demure generosity if it didn't want me.
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A Brief Assessment Of The State Of The Me [Mar. 17th, 2011|06:06 pm]
piseag wanted me to update my LJ. I don't have that much to say at the moment, but I haven't updated in a long while, so I'll just summarize what little is up with me.

I live in North Carolina now, having moved here from Connecticut after a stay of six months there. I like it here so far, and I'm getting along with my new roomie. We have compatible problem-solving approaches (this is so unbelievably nice to live with that I'm astonished I never made it an explicit priority before) and complementary domestic habits. She likes my cooking as long as I tweeze out single-digit numbers of individual grains of pepper to put in food so the level of capsaicin is undetectable to the human mouth.

I am minimally employed, with a few work-from-home odd jobs bringing in a trickle of income so I can go to Goodwill and its brethren on occasion. I'm not paying for rent, utilities, nor groceries, so I can afford to have very little cash coming in: I just spend less than that. Can I sustain it? I dunno. Maybe. Maybe not. We'll see.

In the meantime, I have oodles of yummy spare time. I'm using it to write, mostly. I have now written two novels (fanfiction) at a combined wordcount exceeding 450,000 words, and have more (non-fanfiction) in the works, plus short stories of both fan- and non- varieties both complete and forthcoming. I'm still keeping up with my webcomic, but I'm losing interest, and hope to finish it for good in the next few months maybe so I don't just drop it in the middle. There might be liberal use of montages or something to hurry the plot along. I think once it's over with I'm going to shift focus to prose altogether; although I'll still draw sometimes, I don't want to commit to producing art to tell a story in the future.

I might start updating my food blog again soon, at the urging of a friend. If you want to see something specific go up there, let me know.

Strawberry rhubarb pie is really really really good.
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On Gifts [Oct. 14th, 2010|12:29 pm]
This isn't precisely a FAQ. It's a question/comment-and-answer-format set of instructions for people interested in getting me something for my upcoming birthday (or Christmas or any other occasion or lack of occasion). They are in a strange order in the hopes that I can reduce people being weird about them.

Q1. Something about the instructions below offends or upsets me. I don't want to comply with them.

A1. Okay. Don't get me anything. That is fine. I'm not being passive aggressive - it's really fine if you don't get me anything. If I linked you to this post, it's not because I'm hinting, it's because I thought it might interest you. If I was wrong, then my bad - ignore it.

Q2. But I want to get you something.

A2. Then follow the instructions.

Q3. But I don't like the instructions!

A3. Then don't get me anything. I realize our society has a lot of conventions about gift-giving that I flout, but it doesn't have to be complicated. I won't oblige you to follow gift-giving procedures that you don't like if you don't oblige me to follow gift-receiving procedures that I don't like. If you don't like the instructions, then the only intersection of those things is that you not get me a gift. Which is fine.

Q4. I want to get you a gift enough that I will tolerate your idiosyncrasies. What do I do?

A4. Talk to me about what I want to get and what you want to give, via whatever our normal method of communication is. Make suggestions, and get me a thing that I approve, or solicit suggestions, and get me a thing I ask for. If you have specific reference classes of things that you would like to stick to (especially price ranges), let me know and I will confine myself to appropriate ideas. Do not attempt to surprise me.

Q5. I saw a thing I think you would like, and I want to give it to you, but I have to get it now without consulting you, or (my opportunity to get it will evaporate/the thing will become inaccessibly expensive.)

A5. Then you can choose to take a risk on that thing. I reserve the right to reject gifts that I don't approve beforehand when they come from informed people. (Uninformed people get more leeway, but that just means I move the discomfort from them to myself because I do not hold them blameworthy.) If you are wrong about my likes, and I don't want the thing, then you can keep it yourself, give it to someone else, or otherwise handle it yourself. This is your risk to take. In this scenario, I will just flat out not receive this gift if I decide not to, and I will not even feel bad about it: you have been warned. Remember, it is okay if you decide I am too hard to shop for and do not buy me things.

Q6. But it is possible that you will like a thing I give you unexpectedly?

A6. Yes, that has happened. I have some objects that I like very much which were bought for me without my express advance request/permission. However, note that I would not like these objects one iota less if I'd known I was going to get them ahead of time. It is strictly better to check with me first if that can be arranged, because it cannot make the gift worse and it does eliminate the risk of my disliking the gift.

Q7. But I really enjoy surprising people with presents.

A7. The disposition to enjoy doing things to others that cause those others displeasure is called "sadism". Sadism should only be practiced with consenting partners. Surprise causes me displeasure. I do not consent to experience that displeasure so that you can experience your enjoyment.

Q8. I talked to you about what I could get you and we couldn't jointly think of anything mutually acceptable!

A8. Then you shouldn't get me anything, unless #9 failed to come up in conversation.

Q9. I desperately want to give you a thing without talking to you about it first! Please oh please won't you accommodate me?

A9. Money and gift credit to Amazon.com are both things that I can receive arbitrary quantities without redundancy, the risk of not liking it, or annoying levels of surprise. These are the only things I can think of that are always fine to get me without consultation or my needing to reserve the right of rejection.

Q10. Do these instructions apply to secondhand items (i.e. stuff I already have that I don't want anymore and think you might like)?

A10. These items count as risks taken per #5 situations. I might turn it down, but you can safely offer.

Q11. Do these instructions apply to homemade items (i.e. crafts, foods, etc.)?

A11. Yes. However, I understand that in accepting an offer for such a thing, I take the chance that the creative process will turn out a result I do not expect. As far as that goes you get the leeway of an uninformed person as described in #5.

Q12. What if we are physically co-located and I see a thing that I think you might want, or you express wanting for a thing, and I want to get it for you?

A12. You still have to confirm explicitly that I am willing to receive it as a gift. I sometimes express wanting for things that I don't actually want, on net. I might just be talking idly without mentioning things like lack of storage space, transportational difficulties, roommate incompatibilities, redundancy with existing possessions, or other factors that could make owning the item a poor choice. Also, I sometimes pet and coo over things that I just find texturally interesting and don't care to actually own. However, if you get my explicit verbal confirmation that I really want the thing and would like to receive it from you as a present, then this counts as talking it over with me and getting approval.

Q13. Your birthday is in just one week from this posting! Why are you saying all this now?! Now I have to panic about being late! AAAAAAAH!

A13. One of the nice things about not liking surprises is that I don't care very much if the physical object is on time. It can be four months late or early and I'll still count it as my birthday present if that's what you prefer to call it, as long as I know what I'm getting and approximately when. Fret not.

Q14. This is too hard. I don't want to get you anything now.

A14. Okay.

Q15. You mean you aren't going to reverse your instructions so you can receive the tender ministrations of my unguided gift-giving prowess?

A15. No.

Q16. I have another question.

A16. Ask it via whatever our normal form of communication may be.
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Twilight Fanfiction [Jul. 14th, 2010|11:28 pm]

It is not necessary to have read, or to have enjoyed, the Twilight books to enjoy this fic. (You might not like the fic, but if so, you will probably not like it for different reasons.)
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Soon I will move to Utah. [Jul. 11th, 2010|11:30 pm]
SIAI does not hate me, nor does it love me, but I am using resources which it can use for something else.
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Supplication [Jul. 8th, 2010|07:29 pm]
More flash fictionCollapse )
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A More Literate Omegler and Me [Jul. 6th, 2010|11:32 pm]
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: Salutations!
Stranger: Greetings
You: Felicitations.
Stranger: ...
You: Bonjour!
You: G'day mate!
You: Konbanwa!
Stranger: Gutten tag
Stranger: Hola
You: Ni hao!
Stranger: Konichiwa
Stranger: Aloha
You: Yo!
Stranger: Fail
You: I disagree! This only goes to show that one should formally specify the rules of contests like these.
Stranger: .. okay
You: I'm pleased to see that you've taken the same lesson from this difference of opinion.
Stranger: I have taken nothing.
You: Good. Theft is wrong. You were well brought up.
Stranger: :)
Stranger: Indeed
You: Although the person who owns the rights to the nothing might not like the policy, he was outvoted.
You: Yay for democracy!
Stranger: You won. Im confused
Stranger: Huzzah!
You: I love winning! Winning is fun and tastes like candy! Winning is similar in all positive ways to rainbows and birdsong and the laughter of children!
Stranger: Be my new best friend?
You: I don't know. Is your old best friend violently inclined? Or is he or she old enough to be no threat?
Stranger: They wont touch you. Theyll still be of great importance to me.. just not as much as they used to be...
You: They won't touch me? But then how can we have a hair braiding party?
Stranger: Well, Then I would braid your hair... Fair enough?
You: Spiffy! I think that would be fair enough to satisfy most of the relevant game-theoretic considerations. Are you good at braiding hair?
Stranger: I am. :)
You: can you do a french four-part at an angle without letting any wisps escape?
Stranger: You know it. Im glad youre willing to challenge me.
You: I'm so pleased. I have many friends, and the one skill that not a one of the blasted things has is the ability to do a french four-part at an angle without letting any wisps escape. Well, I suppose one could do it, but she would require the aid of *gel*, which is *heresy*.
Stranger: haha
Stranger: Alrightie then
You: yup. got friends for rocket science, and friends who grow squash, and friends who can tell me about the interiors of Mormon temples, and friends who are academic philosophers, but no fancy-braid friends.
Stranger: How about a friend that races motocross?
You: Oooh, you know, I don't think I have one of those either. I never felt the lack too keenly, I'll admit, but it does seem to be a gap in my portfolio.
Stranger: Well, I happen to race motocross aswell. :)
You: And do you usually win, or do you tend to be bested by motocross? :P
Stranger: I usally win.
You: Excellent. No mere also-ran, or perhaps also-biked, are you.
Stranger: ..What?
You: Unfamiliar with the expression "also ran"? The idea is that the announcer goes "So and so won, and so and so took second, and so and so took third. So and so, so and so, so and so, and so and so also ran."
You: It's all terribly confusing when they all have the same name like that. Announcers compensate with inflection.
Stranger: Oh.
Stranger: hahaha
You: Except that in motocross presumably you do not run, you bike. Although your bike does run. And in horse races, whence I believe the original term, it is the horses, and not the riders, which are said to have run. So perhaps "also biked" is not the correct port of the phrase after all. Assuming your bike runs. If it doesn't, though, I'd imagine you'd have a less impressive win record.
Stranger: ...
You: Technically, horses do not have a gait accurately called a run.
You: So it's clearly a figure of speech anyway.
You: It would be like saying of a footrace composed of humans that the racers "skittered".
Stranger: Sure..
You: Everyone knows that only spiders and the many-legged nightmare creatures from the netherworld *skitter*.
Stranger: Indeed, everyone knows.
You: It's amazing how well-informed everyone is. I had begun to lose faith in the public schools, but then I realized just how many things everyone knows.
Stranger: Like how turtles can breathe out of their butts?
You: Lots of creatures can do that. The rarity is a creature that can breathe *in* with its butt.
Stranger: ..
You: I've never managed it, myself. But I can whistle backwards!
Stranger: Is that so?
You: I can whistle so, and any other solfege you care to name, although I will require accompaniment to remain in tune.
Stranger: Oh..
You: I once had a flute teacher who could not whistle. You'd think this peculiar, perhaps, but the embouchure is entirely different.
Stranger: haha
Stranger: I cant whistle
You: What sort of cant? Thieves' cant? I understand that's one of the more popular varieties, but I didn't know it had a whistling format.
You: Although I think we established earlier that you are no thief, and so I should not have jumped to that supposition! I retract it, with apologies.
Stranger: Yeah, well.. im getting a head ache so imma go.
Stranger: Nice listening to you
You: I am sorry that you are in pain. Please enjoy the remainder of the time period most relevant to you which currently is elapsing.
Stranger: good bye
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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In Which I Toy With An Omegler [Jul. 6th, 2010|10:54 pm]
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
You: greetings!
Stranger: thanx so wats goin on buddy
You: clearly, what's going on is that I'm on omegle
Stranger: lol
You: my suspicion is that that's also what's going on with you!
You: am I right? am I right?
Stranger: yup...
You: I do so love being right
Stranger: ha ha
Stranger: so asl plz??
Stranger: wat??
You: Not as old as I one day hope to be, undisclosed, and Earth and/or one of its major sattelites
Stranger: hey come on??
You: that is not a complete sentence! you have lost 5 grammar points.
Stranger: m or f??
You: It's so hard to decide. They're both wonderful, versatile letters. One stands for "muffin". One for "flan". It's a terrible decision.
Stranger: hey atleast let me know abt sex?
Stranger: ohh god....
You: What do you want to know about sex? I'm no expert, but I guess I could help you out.
Stranger: wat abt ur sex..
You: In satisfactory condition, thank you for your concern.
Stranger: male or female
You: You guessed correctly! I *am* one of those! To think, up to 1% of the population isn't quite either. You would sure have had egg on your face if you'd been mistaken
Stranger: can v share our fotos??
You: I take it you are using the letter v in place of u as did the ancient Romans. It's good to see they're still teaching history.
You: Anyway, if the photos are *ours*, then clearly, we can share them. If they only belonged to one of us, it would be a much trickier question.
Stranger: so how cud v do dat??
You: I've never tried to perform any action best described with the monosyllable "dat", so I don't know how I'd go about it!
Stranger: plzz snd ur pic i wanna see...den it will be ma turn
You: Here is a picture of a bunny: http://icebergwedge.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/cute_bunny1.jpg
You: I didn't take it myself, but I love it so much that surely it counts as mine!
Stranger: i asked ur pic not 4 bunny
You: There's only one bunny in that picture, not four! But it has the cuteness of four bunnies, so I can see why you might be confused.
Stranger: i know...plzz snd ur pic i want 2 see u
You: Are you having trouble seeing the letters you type? Well, if you want that badly to see a U, I can type some. There were some in those sentences! Here are more: UUUUUU
Stranger: okkk if u dont...den i gonna leave
You: I'll miss your company terribly. You're a fascinating conversationalist, and I'm sure the next person you talk to will be willing to work much harder to keep you around.
Stranger: okk atleast snd a pic of urs
You: At least? Why, I would be ashamed to do only the least available to me. I shall go above and beyond these paltry expectations! It is said that a picture is worth a thousand words, but I - if you will permit me, I will type not one, not two, not three thousand - but over NINE.
Stranger: okk...plzz snd..
You: Do you find that's often an effective tactic? I would not have guessed that excluding vowels from requests made them more compelling. You should write your findings up in a psychological journal. Make sure your paper contains no vowels, and then you'll get lots of pictures of psychologists in the mail.
Stranger: okk...let me introduce my self..bcoz i know u will not let me know urs....m 20 india maddy
You: Pleased to meet you! As you can see, I'm "Stranger". It should be appearing next to my utterances, in red.
Stranger: now wat
You: The watt is a fine unit, as units go, but I find I'm more partial to the mho!
You: Fluid ounces also have their uses, though.
Stranger: are baba..wat is dis
You: That's actually a very complicated question! Wikipedia offers literally dozens of links on its disambiguation page for "Dis".
Stranger: okkk den bye
You: For example, it could be a Norse goddess!
Stranger: ba bye
You: Must you go? I thought we were having such a scintillating conversation about Dis!
Your conversational partner has disconnected.
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